CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIPS

CREATE A HARMONIOUS & LOVING RELATIONSHIP -
FREE YOURSELF FROM INNER OBSTACLES
TO MORE FULFILLING RELATIONSHIPS

Create and Maintain a
Conscious Love Relationship

Harmonious relationships are the result of inner work, love and deep respect for ourselves and the other.

Below are some simple basic guidelines for that process

1. Take full responsibility for our reality. We are the sole creators of our thoughts and feelings. No one can create our happiness, security or self-worth.

2. Free the other from any responsibility for our reality. We need to consciously forgive the other and free all others for any responsibility for the reality, which we have created.

3. Perceive the other as our teacher and learn through both his and her positive and negative attributes. We learn to emulate the positive and understand, accept and deal with the negative.

4. Understand what lessons we need to learn through the other¹s behaviors, which annoy us. (A future article will discuss this.)

5. Learn to communicate more effectively with other with I-messages where we express our needs clearly and assertively without accusing, criticizing, complaining or threatening.

6. Understand and accept the other¹s:
a. Needs (such as: affection, love, approval, freedom, respect, unity)
b. Beliefs (such as: I am in danger, I am not worthy, My freedom is in danger)
c. Reactions

7. Do not speak to third persons about our loved one, but only directly to him or her. (Except of course to a counselor)

8. Participate in groups for the purpose of self-knowledge and creating interpersonal harmony.

9. See a professional counselor alone or together.

10. Participate in each other¹s activities.

11. Express love and admiration such as:
a. Gratitude for help and service.
b. Acknowledgment of what the other does.
c. Recognition of the other¹s abilities, qualities and virtues.
d. Love and appreciation.

12. Meet regularly for communication on all levels. This is best done on a weekly basis.

13. Daily visualize the other in light and send love. Bring to mind five of the other¹s positive qualities or abilities. Visualize a harmonious loving relationship. We cannot create what we cannot first imagine.

Twenty one positive beliefs about relationships:

1. Relationships are opportunities for evolution into love and freedom from the ego.
2. They are a means towards our life purpose.
3. Our self-worth and security are within us and do not depend on being in a relationship.
4. We are free as long as I love.
5. Relationships are opportunities to merge our will with the other thus creating a greater reality.
6. It is natural that we support, inspire and affirm each other.
7. We can be ourselves when we are free from fear.
8. Mutual love and respect are the basis of all conscious love relationships.
9. We all deserve lasting love and respect.
10. We are safe and secure even when we are alone.
11. We need not prove that we are right - love (rather than being "right") attracts love.
12. We allow each other the freedom to be ourselves.
13. We are worthy of love and respect exactly as we are.
14. The more we know each other, the more we want to be together.
15. We love each other even when we cannot fulfill each other¹s needs.
16. We each create our own reality.
17. Together we create the reality of our relationship.
18. We are equal.
19. Close relationships are beautiful.
20. We are never hurt by the other, but only by our own fears, attachments, needs and expectations.
21. We sacrifice our needs out of love for each other - not out of fear or duty.


INNER PREPARATION

Internal preparation is prerequisite for developing the maturity necessary to succeed in creating a conscious loving union with our love partner. (Although we are discussing here specifically romantic love relationships, most of what is being said is also useful for other relationships.)

a. Clarify Values, Needs, Life Style:

The more mature we are when we enter a relationship, the more likely we are to succeed in finding the harmony we desire. In general, we attract persons who correspond to our present stage of interests, motives, values, goals, etc. This occurs through the attraction of similars and also opposites. As we ourselves mature and become more aligned to our true selves, we will attract people who are aligned to our true needs and goals.

We would do best to begin a process of self-knowledge and determine what we really want out of life. We need to clarify our values, needs and preferred life style. Having done so, we will then attract a partner with whom we can share whatever is important to us.

b. Learn to love yourself:

If we do not believe we are lovable, it is unlikely we will attract a mate who will abundantly express love to us. We attract those who will reflect to us the very same feelings we harbor for ourselves. Even if the other does not reject us, we will frequently project or imagine that he or she is doing so.

We exhaust our partners with our need for continuous reaffirmation of their love. When we doubt our self-worth, we easily fear losing the other¹s respect, admiration and love. We fear losing the other to someone else. We then become negative, possessive, jealous and often so overbearing that we suffocate the other until he or she does actually leave or develops various protective mechanisms, such as aloofness or aggressiveness.

When we doubt our self-worth, our need to be accepted and affirmed by our partner often causes us to deny our own feelings, needs, beliefs and values. We try to become who we believe the other wants us to be. We cannot bear for the other to be dissatisfied or angry with us. We are afraid we are at fault or that the other will leave us.

c. Develop Inner Security.

If we believe that we are not safe alone in the world without our partner, we are denying our real selves, our real power, and our spiritual nature.

I have heard a number of women confess that they have stayed with their husbands, who were cheating on them for years, not because they loved them, or believed they would ever change, but because they feared being alone, especially economically. These women are bartering their self-respect and happiness for a false sense of security.

It is essential that we build our feelings of self-worth and inner security so we can love the other without becoming dependent upon him or her. In this way, we will be more alive and truer to ourselves in the relationship. Only in this way can we be with the other because we love him or her and not because we fear being alone.

CLARIFYING RESPONSIBILITY FOR REALITY

a. The other is to blame.

We are each responsible for the reality we create within and around us. If we are not happy, it is because we are allowing our attachments, aversions, expectations and to obstruct our happiness.

A main problem in our relationships is that we often blame the other when we are not happy or secure. When something goes wrong, we seek to pass the blame because we find it difficult to accept our own mistakes and weaknesses.

We also expect the other to fill our emptiness in ways that he or she cannot. The other cannot create our happiness, security or feelings of self-worth. When we do not get what we need from the other, we feel hurt and angry, and usually resort to blaming the other.

Because of this, we can get locked into power games, in which each tries to control, change and correct the other, neither wanting to be corrected. A bitter battle of wills ensues which defies real, sincere communication, as each blames without listening to what the other is saying.

If we expect that the other is going to supply what we are missing in ourselves, we are in for an unpleasant surprise. We must take responsibility for our health, happiness, harmony, fulfillment and the general state of affairs in our lives. The key to finding the happiness and harmony we seek is to stop trying to change others and change ourselves from within.

b. I am to blame...

The opposite side to this belief system is that we are responsible for the others. If they are not happy, healthy, successful, and most of all, not satisfied with us, we feel we are to blame. We feel we have failed in the role of love partner, child, parent or sibling, and are susceptible to feelings of self-rejection, guilt and shame.

When we feel this way, we often turn on the others and blame them for not doing what they should have done to be healthy, happy, successful, so that we can feel okay in our role of "being responsible for their reality."

The responsibility problem has two sides: "They are responsible for my reality" and "I am responsible for their reality." Both are illusions that lead to conflicts and unhappiness.

We will dedicate another article to this matter.

This article will be continued in two more parts, which will cover the following aspects of creating a conscious love relationship:
Communication
Common Activities
Keep Learning and Growing
Spiritual Activities
Distinguish Between the Other and His Behavior.
See the Other as Your Teacher.
Keeping Promises
Unconditional Love
Reaching Out Beyond the Relationship
Develop Your Own Relationship with the Divine.

Why Your Needs Do Not Get Met

Relationships and need conflicts

The one greatest source of tension in relationships is our need-conflicts. When the other does not behave in a way, which allows our needs to be fulfilled, we develop negative feelings toward that person.

We perceive him or her as the cause of our unhappiness. We are controlled by our needs and our relationships suffer when we feel that they are not being fulfilled.

When a need is not being fulfilled, there are four basic possible reasons why. Understanding these reasons will allow us to determine what we can do to solve the problem

1. One reason might be that we have not been communicating our needs clearly enough. Perhaps we are afraid to express our needs because of a fear of indifference, rejection or conflict. Thus, in such a case our lesson is to express our needs more assertively but with respect for the other through an I-message which emphasizes what we need without criticizing, threatening or complaining.

We simply express our need, why we need it and how we feel when it is not satisfied.

2. Another reason why a need might not be fulfilled is that we have a subconscious block to that happening. Although we may want something, we may also feel subconsciously that we do not deserve it or fear that we may be in danger if we have it. One example is a woman who had been complaining that her husband was not doing enough at work or at home. When I asked her to imagine him doing more, she panicked, because she had been getting her self-worth from doing more than he had and being the "victim". Another example is a person who complains about not finding a suitable relationship partner, but tends to connect with married persons or persons living far away or those who declare that they are not interested in a serious relationship. In such a case this person who wants the relationship also probably feels that he or she does not deserve one or will be in danger of being abandoned, suppressed or hurt in some way. Thus he or she is subconsciously blocking the fulfillment of this need.

3. A third reason we someone is not fulfilling our needs is that we are doing something or have done something in the past, or are playing some role which is causing the other to be unable to respond to our needs. A woman, who was complaining that her husband is aloof and does not respond to her, discovered that her tendency to criticize him was causing him to close up. This husband might find that this aloofness is causing his wife to be critical and thus not fulfill his need for acceptance. People who tend to be over-responsible or perfectionists can attract irresponsible behavior from those around them.

4. A fourth reason might be that we have come to a point in our evolutionary process where it is time to transcend that particular need and feel secure, worthy and fulfilled without it being satisfied by a specific person or perhaps at all from the outside. Our evolutionary process is asking of us to find inner security, self-worth and fulfillment. Thus until we learn this lesson we "need" not to have our needs filled from outside and from others.

Having said the above, we might want to try out the following experiment. We can print two copies of the following list of possible needs. We can fill out the one and have our loved one fill out the other. (This list has been made for love partners, but all needs except for sexual ones can also be investigated in other relationships, especially parents and children.) The whole family can also do this.

Possible Lessons

Once you have discovered your needs, which are not being fulfilled as much as you would like, then you will need to move on to evaluate which of the above lessons you are being asked to learn:

a. To communicate more effectively concerning exactly what you need.

b. To remove any subconscious fears or guilt which may be obstructing your manifesting this in your life.

c. To adjust your behavior so that others are free to respond.

d. To transcend this need at this time and be happy without it being fulfilled.

In the case you feel that at least one of your lessons is no communicate more effectively without criticism, accusations, threats or complaining, then you can share with each other what you have discovered and seek to respond even more to each other¹s needs.

Depending on which lessons you need to learn you will need to proceed differently.
We will discuss each of these possible procedures in future articles.

The question at this point is which of the following do you need more of in this relationship.

Possible Needs

1. Love (or greater or more specific expression of it)
2. Respect
3. Understanding (of what?)
4. Acceptance
5. Acknowledgement and affirmation
6. Trust
7. Freedom to think and function as we believe and in accordance with our needs.
8. A peaceful environment
9. Affection
10. Support and encouragement in the cultivation of our abilities and powers.
11. To listen to us without criticizing or giving advice.
12. To be satisfied with us.
13. To inspire us.
14.To be just with us - to behave towards us as he or she would like us to behave towards him of her.
15. To respect our beliefs and ideals.
16. TÔ express his or her true feelings, needs and beliefs.
18. Freedom of movement
19. To keep our agreements
20. To have patience with our weakness.
21. To support us during difficult moments.
22. To express gratitude for all that we offer him or her.
23. To acknowledge our positive qualities.
24. To be able to be alone when we do not feel well or when we have the need.
25. To get out more often
26. For more rest
27. For more help in the chores.
28.For greater attention when we speak
29. To do more things together
30. For greater responsibility on his or her part.
31. To be on time
32. For more help and cooperation in keeping order and cleanliness.
33. To be able to behave as we like in our home.
34. To take care of him/her self.

For Love Partners

35. Erotic contact.
36. To be sexually devoted to only us

Other (add needs which are not above)________________________________

Your complaining
Your criticism
Your impatience
Your refusal to cooperate
Your reactions
Your conflicts and arguments
The games which you play
Your competitiveness
Your teaching and sermons
Your anger

Now place a special mark next to those needs that in your perception are not being fulfilled enough in your relationship.
Having done so, seek to discover whether your lesson is to:
1. Express these needs more dynamically through I-messages
2. Get free from the needs
3. Get free from subconscious beliefs (fears, guilt) that prevent you from manifesting this need
4. Some combination of the above.

According to what you find, then employ affirmations for each obstacle towards any of these four possible lessons so that you can move forward.

According to your discoveries, make a plan for proceeding toward a happier reality.

Tuning into the other's needs.

Mark what you believe to be the other's needs

1. Love (or greater expression of it)
2. Respect
3. Understanding (of what?)
4. To accept them as they are
5. Acknowledgement and affirmation
6. Trust
7. Freedom to think and function as they believe and in accordance with their needs
8. A peaceful environment
9. Support and encouragement in the cultivation of their abilities and powers
10. To be listened to them without hearing criticizing or advice
11. To be satisfied with them
12. To inspire them
13. To be just with them ? for us to behave toward them as we would like them to behave toward us
14. To agree with their beliefs and ideals or at least accept and respect them
15. To express our true feelings, needs and beliefs
16. Freedom of movement
17. To keep our agreements
18. To have patience with their weaknesses
19. To be support them during difficult moments
20. To express gratitude for all that they offer us
21. To acknowledge their positive qualities
22. To be able to be alone when they do not feel well or when they have the need
23. To get out more often
24. To get more rest
25. To receive more help in the chores
26. To be given greater attention when they speak
27. To do more things together
28. For greater responsibility on our part
29. To be on time
30. To receive more help and cooperation in keeping order and cleanliness
31. To behave as they like in the home and elsewhere
32. For us to take care of ourselves
For romantic relationship partners
33 Affection and erotic contact
34. To be sexually devoted to only them

Other___________________________________

You might also want to consider which needs might be behind the other's:

Complaining
Criticism
Impatience
Refusal to cooperate
Reactions
Conflicts and arguments
Games he or she plays
Competitiveness
Teaching and sermonizing
Anger

Now place a special mark on the other?s needs that you consider to be the least satisfied by yourself in this relationship. Then consider possible lessons:
1. To feel okay even if your loved one?s need is not satisfied
2. To free yourself from any obstacles that keep you from satisfying your loved one?s needs
3. To communicate more effectively about this through I-messages and active listening
4. To find practical solutions so you both can be happy
5. Some combination of the above

Once you have made your discoveries, move forward to employing affirmations for any emotions which might obstruct you from lovingly satisfy the other?s needs or getting free from guilt that he or she is not satisfied. Also as mentioned above, work on any difficulties if communicating on this problem.

Robert Elias Najemy's recently released book "The Psychology of Happiness" (ISBN 0-9710116-0-5) is available at
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/holisticharmo-20
and http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/psychofhappiness.html .
His writings can be viewed at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com where you can also download FREE articles and e-books.)
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