COMMUNICATION
COMMUNICATION
Create a Conscious
Love Relationship - 2
a. Expressing needs and feelings rather than blame.
One of the main causes of misunderstandings, tension, bitterness, unhappiness and relationship failure is our inability to communicate effectively. We have been programmed to criticize, blame and intimidate rather than express our real needs and / or feelings of insecurity, fear, inadequacy or rejection, which is usually the reality behind our negativity.
We have learned to cover our weaknesses and put up a strong and often aggressive face. We can develop alternative means of communication in which we neither suppress our needs and values, nor do we hurt or demean the other.
b. Clarifying and communicating our needs before we unite our lives:
Whether we want to see it that way or not, marriage is a contract between two persons who promise certain things to each other. Unfortunately for many, this contract is simply a formality for the religion or the state.
However, two conscious persons wanting to enter into a relationship have everything to gain by sitting down together and drawing up their own contract, independent of what the church or state may stipulate. In this way, they will discover if they really have the same goals, values and perceptions about what their relationship means. They can express what they expect of each other. This will be an opportunity to discuss lifestyles and expectations more deeply, to see if they are really meant to unite their lives, or if it is perhaps better to remain friends.
Couples already married can renew their contract every few years, making adjustments when agreeable to both which represent their present relationship needs. These contracts will evolve as their needs evolve.
COMMON ACTIVITIES
A relationship needs to be kept fresh and alive. One way is for the partners to share various types of common activities. One basic common activity is bringing up children and everything that encompasses. Other possibilities might be attending classes, lectures or cultural events together, playing games, going for walks, working on some business or creative project together, singing, dancing, traveling or even reading together, and of course, expressing love to each other physically.
In these mind and body stimulating activities, we are brought into deeper contact and have new and interesting subjects about which to think and communicate. This is much preferable to limiting our time together to watching television.
On the other hand, we need to respect each other¹s unique individuality and should not try to force the other to believe what we do, or pressure him or her into some activity in which he or she is not interested. However, we all have everything to gain by being open and experimental about life, allowing ourselves to try out new experiences and activities leading to mutual growth and enrichment.
KEEP LEARNING AND GROWING
The disharmony we experience in a relationship actually is a message that we have something to learn. We would do well to analyze what we need to learn and make the corresponding adjustments in our attitude toward life.
Learning and loving are the two reasons for which we have incarnated into these bodies. When we stop learning or loving, our life is less meaningful. The purpose of life is to evolve in our wisdom, love, inner peace, selflessness and creative abilities. Getting stuck and refusing to grow is the surest way to destroy the harmony in a relationship.
From a spiritual point of view, the other is our teacher. His or her behavior is exactly what we need at this stage of our lives to learn something about ourselves and free ourselves from some beliefs or behaviors that are keeping us back in our evolutionary process.
We will dedicate a significant part of this book toward clarifying what we need to learn from our partner¹s behaviors that disturb us.
SPIRITUAL ACTIVITIES
As our spiritual growth process is the basic reason for our existence in the physical plane, it is logical that it will be an important part of any successful relationship. Spiritual activity is seriously missing from the lives of most families today.
Families could pray or chant together. They could read and discuss spiritual texts together. They could meditate in silence together. They could serve the less fortunate in society. Each home can vibrate with love and harmony.
I have unfortunately throughout the years witnessed zealous spiritual aspirants who perceive their spouses, children or parents as obstacles to their spiritual growth, believing that their spirituality is dependent upon their following seminars or meditating many hours. It is true that these activities can help, but they should never be reasons to lose our love for those who might consciously or subconsciously obstruct us.
Love and selflessness are always the highest forms of spirituality.
Under each obstacle we are presenting some possible affirmations for healing those obstacles. These should give you a base to work with but not limit you. If they do not suit you, find the phrases that do.
We might also need to work on childhood experiences which have to do with these emotions .
1. I fear telling the truth because I do not want to hurt him/her.
Examples:
a. That I do not agree with everything he or she does.
b. That I have not always told him or her the truth.
c. That he or she is more ill than he or she thinks.
d. That other people gossip about him or her and do not think well of him or her.
Even though until now I feared telling _____ (name of person) that (subject we are afraid to communicate)_____________ because I did not want hurt him/her, I now realize (feel, believe) that the truth, lovingly expressed, is the best for us all.
2. I fear telling the truth because I do not want to get into a conflict.
Examples:
a. That I do not agree with what the other is doing.
b. That I do not want to do what the other wants me to do.
c. That I have done something that the other does not approve of.
d. That I have made a mistake.
Even though until now I feared getting into a conflict if I told _____ (name) that (subject)_____________, I now feel that the truth lovingly expressed is the best for us all.
3. I feel ashamed to tell the truth.
Examples:
a. That I have not been faithful in our relationship
b. That I have sexual fantasies.
c. That I am afraid to be alone.
d. That I am angry about something.
e. That I have made a mistake
Even though until now I felt ashamed to tell _____ (name) that (subject)_____________, I now feel that this truth will set me free and help us create a more honest relationship.
4. I fear getting hurt if I express the truth.
Examples:
a. The truth about what I do or need.
b. How much I really need the other.
c. My real feelings
Even though until now I feared getting hurt if I told _____ (name) that (subject)_____________, I now express those truths and feel strong enough to deal with any reactions.
5. I fear that I will lose my self-worth.
Examples:
a. My mistakes or weaknesses
b. Anything, which I might have done which, might not be accepted by the other.
e. That I love and need the other.
Numbers five, six and seven have common roots (self-worth) and thus we have united them.
6. My pride does not allow me to express the truth.
a. How much I admire the other.
b. That the other is actually right and I am wrong.
c. To ask for forgiveness when I feel the need.
d. To admit weaknesses and fears.
7. My competitive nature does not allow me to express the truth. (much the same as five and six)
Even though until now I feared losing my self-worth if I told (admitted to) _____ (name) that (subject)_____________, I now feel my self-worth within me and express those truths.
8. I feel uncomfortable expressing positive feelings because:
(Some possible reasons might be)
1. It is not manly.
2. It might go to the other?s head and he/she might feel superior.
3. The other might use that against me in a future argument.
4. I have not learned to do this.
5. I am occupied with my problems.
6. I feel competitive with the other and thus want to be superior.
7. I try to show how I feel with my actions.
8. I sense that that the other does not feel comfortable when I express positive feelings.
Some examples of positive communication we might have difficulty with:
1. That I love you.
2. That I respect and admire you.
3. That you do many things very well.
4. That I am grateful for all that you give me.
5. That I want you to be happy.
6. That you make me happy.
Even though until now I felt uncomfortable expressing my positive feelings and thoughts to (name) _____ because (reason) _____________, I now feel that he/she deserves to hear the truth.
What else can we do?
Given this situation, we can do the following to create a more loving and growth-conducive relationship:
1. Take full responsibility for our reality.
2. Free the other from any responsibility for our reality.
3. Perceive the other as our teacher and learn through both his or her positive and negative attributes. Learn to emulate the positive, and to understand, accept and deal with the negative.
4. See what lessons we need to learn through the other?s behaviors that annoy us.
5. Learn to communicate more effectively with the other through I-messages and active listening
6. Understand the other?s:
a. Needs (such as: affection, love, approval, freedom, respect, unity)
b. Beliefs ( such as: I am in danger, I am not worthy, My freedom is in danger)
c. Reactions
7. Do not speak to others about our loved one, but only directly to him or her (except, of course, a counselor).
8. Participate in groups for the purpose of self-knowledge and creating interpersonal harmony.
9. See a professional counselor together.
10. Participate in each other?s activities.
11. Express love and admiration such as:
a. Gratitude for help and service
b. Acknowledgment of what the other does
c. Recognition of the other?s abilities, qualities and virtues
d. Love and appreciation
12. Meet regularly for communication on all levels. This is best done on a weekly basis.
13. Visualize the other in light and send love on a daily basis.
Communicating With Those Who Play the Role of the Victim
1. We automatically gain self-worth. Follow this reasoning closely. As a victim, we are the one to whom injustice is being done. Thus, the others are unjust, incorrect, not okay, wrong in what they do and consequently we are just, okay, good and right. We are worthy and they are not. Many of us, who lack sufficient self-esteem, find this as a way we can establish our self-worth, by being the victims of others¹ wrong doings.
2. As victims we can play on the others¹ pity and guilt. When they are angry with us, we can diminish their rage and aggression by appearing weak and abused.
3. When we want something from some one, we can play on their guilt, by making them feel responsible for our unhappiness or our problems.
4. We "as victims" are not responsible for our reality and thus not to blame if we or our lives are not as we would like them to be. We have an excuse for not being okay or manifesting our potential.
Thus, as victims, we gain what we want from the others, by making them feel responsible for our reality, and by believing that we are weak, incapable and in need of help.
When confronted with loved ones who are playing the role of victim, we need to free ourselves from the illusion that we are responsible for their reality or that we can create their happiness, health or success in life. We can love and support them with all heart, but we cannot create their happiness, health or success. Only they can do that.
We need to express our love to them in ways that they can feel it, without getting caught up in feeling responsible or guilty for their reality. This requires a combination of love, effective communication and clarity of mind. We need to help them find another way of getting what they need. Away free from self-pity and unnecessary suffering.
When we serve someone a fish, we feed them once. When we teach them to fish, we feed them for a lifetime. Thus the greatest gift we can give is our faith in the other¹s ability to solve his or her own problems.
A possible honest communication with a Victim might go something like this.
"Dear, I want you to know that I love and care for you and want very much for you to be happy and healthy and satisfied in your life. I want that very much and have been trying to create that for you. However, I am beginning to realize that I cannot do that for you.
"I realize now that I have been feeling responsible for your reality and some times guilty because you are not as happy and satisfied as we would both like you to be.
"I now realize that I do not help you by feeling responsible or guilty. These feelings just make me angry with you because you do not do what you could be doing to create a happier life for yourself. Also you often do not see how wonderful your life really is, because you frequently focus on what you do not have, rather than all the wonderful things you do have.
"Thus, I am no longer going to try to create your happiness or get your approval through your expression of satisfaction. I am going to love you and offer you whatever I can, without doing more than I believe I should and without getting feeling guilty or getting angry with you because you are not satisfied.
I hope you will be able to feel my love in this change. This has nothing to do with my love for you, but about an unhealthy codependence, which has developed between us, in which I am seeking my own self-worth through your happiness and satisfaction.
"Is there something you would like to share with me concerning this?"
There are of course situations in which someone may actually be unable to help themselves and sincerely in need of our help. In such cases we will serve them joyously with love.
"Dear, I want you to know that I love and care for you and want very much for you to be happy and healthy and satisfied in your life. I want that very much and have been trying to create that for you. However, I am beginning to realize that I cannot do that for you.
"I realize now that I have been feeling responsible for your reality and some times guilty because you are not as happy and satisfied as we would both like you to be.
"I now realize that I do not help you by feeling responsible or guilty. These feelings just make me angry with you because you do not do what you could be doing to create a happier life for yourself. Also you often do not see how wonderful your life really is, because you frequently focus on what you do not have, rather than all the wonderful things you do have.
"Thus, I am no longer going to try to create your happiness or get your approval through your expression of satisfaction. I am going to love you and offer you whatever I can, without doing more than I believe I should and without getting feeling guilty or getting angry with you because you are not satisfied.
I hope you will be able to feel my love in this change. This has nothing to do with my love for you, but about an unhealthy codependence, which has developed between us, in which I am seeking my own self-worth through your happiness and satisfaction.
"Is there something you would like to share with me concerning this?"
There are of course situations in which someone may actually be unable to help themselves and sincerely in need of our help. In such cases we will serve them joyously with love.
Dealing with Interrogators
Occasionally we are confronted by persons who play the role of the interrogator. Basic to dealing with "interrogators" is to understand why they function in this way and how we are affected by their attitude. It is also entirely possible that, at times, we too play this role.
1. In this role we control others by addressing ourselves to their need for our approval. We do this by criticizing, doubting, giving advice and, in general, creating doubt about the others¹ ability or correctness. We criticize how they have done something or question why they have done it in a particular way.
2. We get their attention and can control them by making them answer to our questions about what they are doing. We play the game of who is right or more knowledgeable.
If we want to free ourselves from the interrogators in our lives, we will need to get free from our need for their acceptance or approval. We will need self-acceptance and self-confidence.
I message to an Interrogator
One possible communication with an Interrogator could be the following.
"Dear, I would like to discuss with you a problem which I have with our communication. I feel myself continuously in the position of answering to your questions and doubts about what I am doing. I feel that you are frequently correcting and doubting me. This puts me on the defensive and sometimes I get into the role of the victim. At others, I become an intimidator, or do the same to you and become your interrogator.
"This way of communicating saddens me. I believe that we can communicate much more honestly and harmoniously. For this reason, I am going to try to accept myself even when you have doubts and criticize. I am going to stop answering your questions and apologizing to your accusations. I am going to attempt to be happy even when you are not satisfied with me and when you criticize or accuse me.
"Please do not misunderstand this. I love you and want you to be happy and want us to be happy together, but we cannot be happy this way, with your playing the lawyer and my playing the guilty one. I cannot lose my self-respect any more in this game.
"I want you to know that I love you even when I do not try to get you to agree with what I do.
"How do you feel about this?"
Positive Beliefs
In order to make such a change in ourselves, we will need to strengthen the following beliefs.
a. My self-worth is independent of what others think.
b. My self-worth is also independent of the results of my efforts.
c. Interrogators doubt themselves and are simply trying to increase their own self-esteem.
d. I give them my attention in positive ways so that they do not need to resort to this way.
e. We can love each other even when we do not agree.
f. I am safe and loveable even when I do not prove that I am right.
g. I am totally safe and worthy even when others do not agree with me.
h. I am totally safe and worthy even when I make a mistake.
i. I am not perfect and I make mistakes, which I can admit it without losing my self-worth and others¹ love.
j. Being right does not attract love, but love does.
k. Life gives me exactly what I need at every moment so that I can learn my next lesson in my growth process.
A Possible Way of Reacting
Here is a description of a possible way in which we might react to an interrogator. (The use of the female pronoun is arbitrary - the interrogator could equally be a male)
I remember that my self-worth is not dependent on what she thinks. I also remember that she most likely acts like this, criticizing and trying to put me down, because she herself doubts her own self-worth. She needs affirmation and is seeking it by searching for my mistakes or getting me to pay attention to her and answer her questions. She probably simply needs attention.
I explain to her, that I respect her and her opinions but that I prefer not to get into this game in which she keeps doubting or criticizing and I am trying to prove that I am right.
I may not be always right; I do make mistakes as I am not perfect, and thus I think about what she has said and get back to her on the matter if it is important. But I do not continue this game with her.
We have totally different beliefs about some matters and still love each other unconditionally. I chose to love her without needing her approval or agreement on some matters and hope that she can do the same.
I explain that if she needs my attention or wants to communicate about something, then she can simply express that need, without criticizing.
Dealing With Intimidators
1. As intimidators we seek to control others by making them fear us. We keep them from requesting anything from us or controlling us in any way, by making them afraid to approach us. We do this by shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening and perhaps even physical violence. We use other people¹s fear and self-doubt to control them.
2. When we are in this defensive state we believe that the others are always wrong and, if they do not start shaping up, we have every right to punish them. We are simultaneously the police, judge, jury and execution squad.
3. Another "advantage" of playing this role is that we never have to look at ourselves or change anything about ourselves, as "we are perfect" and the others are all wrong.
Now, some can combine the role of the victim and the intimidator and thus get the double benefit being right for two reasons. The misconception here is that whoever is the victim is right and whoever is angry is right.
Thus, in order to cope with the intimidators in our lives, we will need to overcome our fear. This fear has its basis in childhood when a shouting parent was a real threat for many reasons. First of all, there might be punishment and thus emotional or physical pain.
Secondly, all our security and survival were dependent on this person who was shouting and intimidating us.
Thirdly, if this person was shouting in such a belittling way, this must mean that we are wrong, evil, a bad child, and thus not worthy of love and respect.
Now, even as full grown adults, our subconscious reaction tends to be fear and self-doubt when someone shouts at or accuses or intimidates us. I have seen comic situations in which a small-sized woman intimidates a man twice her size with her threats.
A possible communication with an intimidator might be the following.
"I need to discuss something with you. You know, there are times when I am afraid of you. When you raise your voice and threaten me, you stimulate old fears from my childhood years. When that happens, I back down from confrontation with you. I retreat from confrontation suppressing my needs and sometimes my values. When this happens I lose my self-respect, and feel injustice and then angry with you. My heart closes and my love for you diminishes. There are even times when I think of revenge.
"With the way you act, you may get what you want from me at that moment, but you lose my love and respect.
"I have decided to overcome my fear and be more honest with you. I am going to express my needs and values even when you shout or intimidate me. I would like to ask for your help with this effort.
"I am very interested in helping you fulfill your needs. I believe that we can both get what we want. I would like to ask you to express your needs without threatening me. Simply tell me what you need from me. I, in response, will also express my needs to you. I believe we can find solutions without my fearing you and retreating when you threaten me.
"How do you feel about this idea?"
A possible communication with an intimidator might be the following.
"I need to discuss something with you. You know, there are times when I am afraid of you. When you raise your voice and threaten me, you stimulate old fears from my childhood years. When that happens, I back down from confrontation with you. I retreat from confrontation suppressing my needs and sometimes my values. When this happens I lose my self-respect, and feel injustice and then angry with you. My heart closes and my love for you diminishes. There are even times when I think of revenge.
"With the way you act, you may get what you want from me at that moment, but you lose my love and respect.
"I have decided to overcome my fear and be more honest with you. I am going to express my needs and values even when you shout or intimidate me. I would like to ask for your help with this effort.
"I am very interested in helping you fulfill your needs. I believe that we can both get what we want. I would like to ask you to express your needs without threatening me. Simply tell me what you need from me. I, in response, will also express my needs to you. I believe we can find solutions without my fearing you and retreating when you threaten me.
"How do you feel about this idea?"
1. Are we too intimidators where and with whom?
2. Do we fear intimidators and why?
3. Do we have a poor self-image, which allows them to behave in this way.
4. Is this a repetition of childhood experiences are we used to and expecting this kind of behavior?
5. Are we doing something that is annoying the other? (Playing the victim, interrogator or the aloof?)
6. Are we rejecting this person in some way?
7. Do we feel guilty about something and thus are attracting this behavior?
8. Are we ignoring the other¹s needs in some way?
9. Do we need to work on our relationships with our parents because this issue has to do with them?
10. Do we need to learn to respect ourselves more and stand up in a loving but assertive way to this person?
11. Have we hurt this person in the past and thus perhaps need to ask forgiveness?
12. Are we suppressing controlling this person and they are seeking freedom in this way i.e. Adolescents.?
Beliefs: Self-talk that can free us from the control of Intimidators
1. I am safe and secure in every situation regardless of this person¹s behavior.
2. Nothing can ever happen to me, which is not exactly what I need for my spiritual growth.
3. This person is my teacher which life has placed before me.
4. The other is unhappy and afraid, or else he or she would not be acting in this way.
5. Behind his or her angry and threatening appearance hides a fearful and hurt child.
6. Life gives me exactly what I need at every moment so that I can learn my next lesson in my growth process.
7. This behavior is a reflection an indication of the other¹s problem and not of my self-worth.
8. I help others see themselves and grow by lovingly but assertively standing up to them.
Be Well
Robert Elias Najemy's recently released book "The Psychology of Happiness" (ISBN 0-9710116-0-5) is available at
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/holisticharmo-20
and http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/psychofhappiness.html .
His writings can be viewed at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com where you can also download FREE articles and e-books.)
What's New with My Subject?
